There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.

It has been far too long…

The last six months have been incredibly busy.  My summer work schedule was intense, and I didn’t have the spare time (or energy-or brain capacity) to blog.  I just read over my last post, and it is actually topical about what I wanted to talk about today.

I’m listening to the Beethoven Missa Solemnis, conducted by Jeffrey Tate.  When asked about my favorite composer, I can answer without hesitation.  I feel such emotional attachment to his music-and to what he represents to me.  He experienced such struggle in his life, and yet accomplished so much.  I can’t imagine what it was like to live in a time when disability was so misunderstood, and shunned.  I’m also in awe of his ability to compose such beautiful music even though he couldn’t hear it.  He wasn’t really appreciated in his lifetime, and he didn’t find success.

I had an assignment of sorts this week.  I was supposed to “research” other people with disabilities-spina bifida specifically, to try to understand their perspective on their disability.  Throughout my life, I’ve known a few other people with disabilities, but I don’t feel like I share a similar experience or outlook with them.  I realize that I may have a close-minded view, but I tend to form relationships with people based on shared views and values.  I don’t think it is healthy to define yourself by something that is only a small part of who you are.  I realize that it is something that people notice right away when they meet me.  It isn’t something that I try to hide, but it also isn’t something that I feel a need to dwell on.  I think that if you dwell on all the things you can’t do, you miss out on the things you can.  I don’t see it as denying who I am, but as not obsessing over something of which I have no control.

Nonetheless, I decided to start by googling spina bifida.  I know the scientific information about it.  I know what it is, and how it affects those who have it.  I know that there is no absolute known cause, and that it isn’t always preventable.  Most of the groups and information that exist are for parents.  I understand that it must be traumatic for a parent to have a child with a severe disability, and there is (rightly so) support for these people.  There isn’t as much for adults with disability.  I don’t know if it is because we are expected to be well-adjusted if we make it to adulthood, or if scientists and doctors  just don’t understand or care.  The few things that do exist are created by my peers.  I realize that there are probably other people in the world with similar experiences, but I don’t often seek them out.  I guess I’ve just felt like most of my needs are being met by the immediate people in my life.

So back to the assignment at hand.  The Spina Bifida Association is somewhat helpful.  There was a link to a yahoo group that I decided to join.  I’m interested in getting some perspective from other people who may come from a similar background.  I also found a list of “famous people who have spina bifida”.  The list includes some names I recognize, and many that I don’t.  The most immediate issue I take with the list is that most of those people don’t have a visible disability.  While I understand that back pain can make life difficult, it isn’t the same as being confined to a wheelchair.  I’m not trying to diminish what someone might be going through, but experientially, it isn’t the same thing.   I did discover a few people of note:

• Jeffrey Tate, composer
• David Proud, actor
• Hank Williams, musician
• Frida Kahlo (allegedly)
• John Mellencamp
• Rene Kirby (the guy from Shallow Hal)

As you can see, some of these people have obvious disability and some do not.  I must admit, I think I’m missing the point of all of this.  Life is what you make of it.  Everyone has difficulties.  I have more than some and less than others.  I despise when people refer to me as “inspirational”.  I’m not.  To me,  that means that you think that it is incredible that I choose to do anything with my life because of what I was given-and indirectly, you can’t imagine how you would cope in my situation.  I get that.  Some people wouldn’t be able to.  There have been a few people in my life who couldn’t deal with having a relationship with me.  I don’t fault anyone for that.  I just don’t want pity, and I can’t help but feel a little insulted that you view my life as less meaningful than someone who is “normal”.

The people on this list who have done meaningful things with their lives, have done so because they found something at which they excelled, and made the choice to pursue that thing.  It wasn’t because they were disabled, or in spite of it.  It was because they wanted something and were willing to put in the work. While being disabled isn’t necessarily ideal, and I wouldn’t choose it for myself or anyone I care about, it also isn’t that bad.  (Again, I can only speak to my situation.)  There are people in the world who overcome extreme violence and poverty every day.  People who right injustice and end suffering.  Those are the people that we should look to for inspiration.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”

This post has been on my mind for a long time.  It is a difficult one to tackle for several reasons, and some of the articles I share or the opinions I have may be difficult for people to understand.  I guess I will start with this.  I ask you to listen to the music.  You don’t have to be a fan of opera (although I am) to appreciate this man’s voice.  He has a huge range…how many people can sing tenor, baritone, and bass?  Now, watch this video.

Thomas is gifted in other genres as you will see in the above video.  Something else you will notice is that he was born with shortened leg bones, and is missing long bones in his arms.   He faced some challenges as a child:

Appearance is irrelevant when he sings, and I wonder if performances and their glowing reviews aren’t a respite from what could crassly be termed the Quasthoff baggage: the Thalidomide baby made good. In his autobiography, The Voice, and in countless interviews, Quasthoff has told his story in typically blunt style. He spent most of his first two years in an isolation ward, his family unable to speak to him. For four years his legs were clamped in a cast to force his feet to grow the right way round. Against all prognoses, his mother (who died in January) taught him to walk by tempting him with chocolate.

This obviously doesn’t affect his singing ability, but it has been a challenge to his career.  He was denied admission to the music conservatory in Hanover, Germany, because of his physical inability to play the piano, then a requirement for entry to the conservatory. (Years later, the same school asked him to join its staff.  He accepted.)  His music career was launched in 1988 when he won first prize in the ARD International Music Competition in Munich.  His career has been quite successful and prolific, however he has sung very few staged opera roles.  This is because he only wants to sing roles that are suited to his voice.  However, he is also quite realistic about the importance of looks in the music industry. When asked about the prospects for disabled singers, this is his response:  “It depends how good he is. Very simple.  As long as you’re good, nobody can raise their nose and say: ‘Oh, it is because of his disability.”  Of course, this means you have to be that better than everyone else.  You have to prove yourself, and self-acceptance is of utmost importance.  “I think it’s important to accept your disability. If you don’t love people—and that includes yourself—you shouldn’t be in this business.”

Now, as anyone who knows me can tell you, the word inspirational makes my blood boil.  I hate being called inspirational.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think that waking up in the morning and going about my daily life makes me an inspiration.  Yes, there have been hard times in my life.  I would have been institutionalized had it not been for my parents insistence.  (Thomas was institutionalized, but his parents fought to bring him home.)  Attitudes about disability were different thirty years ago.  That isn’t to say that some people don’t still have narrow ideas of what a disabled person can do.  It can be hard to empathize with someone if you aren’t able to understand what they have gone through, but pity is not the answer.  Life has its struggles, but most of the time they are not exclusive to the disabled.   As someone who has had abundant success in his life, Thomas seems to share this sentiment.

He detests any notion of heroics. “People say: ‘Oh, your life was full of struggle.’ No, it wasn’t! I can totally understand if a normal grown person is sitting in front of a person with seven fingers, short arms and short legs, it’s natural to say ‘Your life must be so aah’,” and he emits an exhausted moan. “And I could support this very much if I was sitting here like that [he slumps pitifully].. I’m not.

I wanted to write about this because it is something I have struggled with as a singer.  The truth is that the music industry is very competitive no matter what you look like physically.  When you have a disability, it is harder.  It isn’t impossible.  Thomas Quasthoff was born to be a singer.  He has amazing stage presence.  I don’t claim to be the best performer, and obviously it does take work.  To have such a positive attitude and outlook on life is imperative if you want to make a career of singing.  (Being amazing doesn’t hurt either…)

I intended to discuss the implications of being of a disabled child, and what sort of thought process goes into raising a child who has special needs while keeping your sanity.  I also want to discuss my views about disability and child rearing, but I think that will have to be in the next post.

 

Music survives everything, and like God, it is always present.

On this day in 1945, Eric Patrick Clapton was born in Surrey.  He has been one of the artists on my bucket-list for a very long time.  I had the pleasure of seeing him perform live a few weeks ago. The concert was pretty incredible in musical terms.  He played a very technically solid set, and his band was amazing.  His musicianship is on par with the very best.  The man is seriously gifted.  I did notice that he seemed somewhat uncomfortable on stage, barely speaking between songs.  This is a discussion that I have had many times with friends who are musical/interested in music.  There are some people who are great musicians, but not necessarily great performers.  I do know that in the past, he used drugs and alcohol as a crutch when performing.  He seems like a quiet person by nature-perhaps even anti-social.  He relates to the world through writing and playing music.

I’ve been a fan of his music for a long time, but after reading his auto-biography a couple of years ago, I began to feel as if we were kindred spirits.  We are both somewhat shy, and can have difficulty with social interaction at times.  I think it stems from wanting too much to please everyone.  I can’t be sure, but I think there must be some element of self-sabotage involved.  This probably isn’t the case in his life anymore, but I know that he struggled for a long time with accepting life for what it really is.  I’m certainly not a psychologist, but I can speak to my life-when a child grows up in difficult circumstances, the caregivers of said child often try to ease suffering by giving in to demands.  When the child becomes an adult, they may have unrealistic expectations of how other people should treat them.  This can lead to difficulties in personal relationships because there may be a lack in social/and or life skills, and one person may end up carrying more weight.

This was an issue in Eric’s relationship with Pattie Boyd.  I admit, there is some part of me that is jealous of this woman.  What is so special about her?  There must be something that led her to be involved with two of the most influential men in the history of rock music.  When I was younger, I romanticized these relationships.  Now I can see it for what it was-insecurity.  She let these men treat her like crap.  Maybe it was for the fame, or maybe it was because she was young and naïve and thought that she didn’t deserve better.  Realistically, it was probably a little of both.  These relationships were far from perfect.  They both involved poor communication, and plenty of infidelity.  When I look at these relationships now, I realize that I would never want to be a part of something like that.  Perhaps these were just relationships of the young, not meant to last forever.  All of the parties involved moved on to other people.  Eric clearly had unrealistic expectations of what a relationship with Pattie would be:

dear layla,

for nothing more than the pleasures past i would sacrifice my family, my god, and my own existence, and still you will not move.  i am at the end of my mind, i cannot go back and there is nothing in tomorrow (save you) that can attract me beyond today.  i have listened to the wind, i have watched the dark brooding clouds, i have felt the earth beneath me for a sign, a gesture, but there is only silence.  why do you hesitate, am i a poor lover, am i ugly, am i too weak, too strong, do you know why?  if you want me, take me, i am yours…if you don’t want me, please break the spell that binds me.  to cage a wild animal is a sin, to tame his is divine.  my love is yours.

On first glance, this may seem romantic…but I think it is actually kind of scary.  Maybe he was just being dramatic, but there are greater implications here.  He seems to be quite lovesick, but there is so much insecurity in his words.  When she did not leave George for him, he began using heroin.  Of course, he now admits it really had nothing to do with her, but he blamed her at the time.  It is quite interesting to read both sides of the story.  Pattie’s book is more about her personal life with these men.  She discusses relationships in great detail.  From her perspective, the problems were greater than the depiction (and space) Eric gives them.  While he does acknowledge that his drug use and infidelity were responsible for the failure of their relationship, and that it probably revolved more around drinking and drama than actual feelings, he doesn’t really discuss how bad it was.  This could be a gender difference, but it may also be because he was such an addict that he didn’t even notice what was really going on.  His book is really about who he is as a musician, and what influenced his life.  His personal relationships are a part of that, but not the main focus.

My intent is not to come off as critical.  I respect this man very much, and I feel a kinship with the person he has become.  He went back to treatment for the second time in 1987, and this time he knew he had a problem.  His life was a mess, and he was ready to take responsibility.

…I stumbled through a month of treatment…hoping that something would change in me without me having to do much about it.  Then one day, a panic hit me, and I realized in fact nothing had changed in me…I was absolutely terrified, in complete despair.  At this moment, almost of their own accord, my legs gave way and I fell to my knees.  In the privacy of my room I begged for help…Within a few days I realized that something had happened for me…From that day until this, I have never failed to pray in the morning, on my knees, asking for help, and at night, to express gratitude for my life and, most of all, for my sobriety…Before my recovery began, I found my God in music and the arts.  In some way, in some form, my God was always there, but now I have learned to talk to him.

He has been sober ever since, and now has a treatment center in Antigua to help other people.  I really do believe that when you get your own life in order, and begin to help others, good things will follow. 

*Edit:  As I was writing this post, I went back to his auto-biography for reference.  In the epilogue, he mentions that he has gone somewhat deaf from all of his years performing.  This could explain why he doesn’t interact much with the audience.  He does say that he likes to keep busy, but he doesn’t enjoy touring as much anymore because he would rather be with his family, and because he has some physical ailments that come with age.

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.

Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed.  To put it mildly.  I’m not the most organized person…I like to just throw things at the wall and see what sticks.  Planning is good for certain things, but I can only plan so far ahead.  Multi-tasking is perfectly enjoyable as long as the tasks are things like watching t.v. and chatting online.  Not so much when you have a long list of things to be done.   It seems that (as a general rule) people who are more artistic, are not good at prioritizing and being efficient with their time.  Simple tasks become daunting.  I find that when one area of life is out of control, it is difficult to prevent overflow into all other areas.  Awareness is one of my stronger qualities, and I can definitely see that most people have a better handle on daily tasks than I.  If I’m being honest with myself, it probably isn’t a problem of time.  It’s a problem of motivation…or anxiety?  I’m also a perfectionist.  If I can’t do something exactly the way I think it should be done, I don’t want to do it at all.  I know it isn’t the best way to go about life, but it is hard to change.  Even when you do everything to the best of your ability, you can’t control other people.  You also can’t exclude everyone from your life because they don’t live up to your expectations.  I don’t mean someone who is toxic, or who doesn’t share your core values.  Realistically, people aren’t always going to do what you want.  They probably don’t even think about what you want very often.  The truth is that people are self-absorbed.  It’s not a criticism.  Having empathy is important, but if a plane is going down, you are supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first.  You can’t be useful to anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.

These feelings surfaced when my cat was diagnosed with lymphoma.  Most people would choose to euthanize right away, and I don’t begrudge that.  We didn’t.  I wanted to give him a chance, but it is a lot of work.  You can only stretch yourself so thin, and I’m reaching my limit.  There are a lot of feelings of guilt.  I don’t feel responsible for the disease, but I feel like I should have noticed sooner.  Or maybe if he had been on an (even) better diet.  Are we making the right decision with treatment?  There will always be maybes.  I don’t know if I made the right decision, but I can’t see the future.  I can just make the best decisions based on the information I have.  If he gets to the point where euthanasia is the best choice, I have little problem doing that.  This might sound callous, but I deal with it a lot.  It will be sad, but it would be worse to live an existence of suffering.  I hope when it gets to that point, I will know that I have done everything within my power.

Challenges don’t seem to happen one at a time.  I think I would be much better equipped for life if they did.  My aforementioned poor multi-tasking becomes very apparent in these situations.  I suppose you really do have to just take it one day at a time.  Big decisions are a major cause of anxiety.  I’d just assume go through life never really deciding or committing to anything.  I had an enlightening conversation with Stace yesterday that lead me to realize that I like to visit things.  She said that you can’t always do that.  Sometimes you must pick a side.  When faced with this, my initial reaction is anger.  I don’t want to pick a side.  If forced, I become panicked and defensive.  ( Note:  It isn’t anger at the comment or the person making it.  I just have trouble accepting it as truth.  I’m aware that it is childish to feel this way.)  It is something of which I need to be mindful.

The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change

I wrote this a while ago, but forgot to post it:

Not long ago, I came across a tweet that I had to share with my followers:   Dying 4 a cup of tea? Animals used in tests by @Lipton are! We need ur help, tell ‘em 2 ditch cruelTEA 2 animals NOW! http://ht.ly/3pJjP

The original article is no longer up, but you can read about the cause here. More than 40,000 people signed the petition and complained to Lipton, and they have decided to stop testing on animals effective immediately.  They actually sent me a very nice email:

Hello from Unilever,

Thank you for your email. We take your views seriously. We are committed to eliminating animal testing. That is why we have been leading our industry and investing €3 million a year for the past 7 years on developing alternative non-animal testing methods. We are actively trying to accelerate the approval of these testing protocols by authorities. In addition, Unilever is committing to no animal testing for our tea and tea-based beverages, with immediate effect (http://unilever.com/sustainability/news/news/default.aspx).

This is in line with the positioning of our tea category as a leader in environmental sustainability and the ethical sourcing of tea. However, there are still several countries where we are still legally required to test the safety of our products as a condition for us being allowed on the market, and in these cases the testing will be provided by third parties. The issue is a complex one and more information is available at: http://unilever.com/sustainability/consumer/testing/?WT.LHNAV=Developing_alternative_approaches_to_animal_testing

Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for giving us the opportunity to respond; we hope that the enclosed information is helpful. Let me assure you that your comments are extremely valuable to us and will be shared with those persons responsible for our product development.

Yours sincerely,

External Affairs Department

Unilever PLC
Registered in London number 41424
www.unilever.com

I think that PETA does some good things, but I don’t always agree with their methods.  That being said, I’m glad they care and that they are willing to get the word out about causes that matter.  If something as simple as writing to Lipton made this big of a change, I have some hope for humanity.  Maybe in the future, other companies will be as reasonable.

2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Fresher than ever.

Crunchy numbers

The Leaning Tower of Pisa has 296 steps to reach the top. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2010. If those were steps, it would have climbed the Leaning Tower of Pisa 4 times

 

In 2010, there were 44 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 14 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 900kb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was January 21st with 28 views. The most popular post that day was Living is easy with eyes closed.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, taxicafe.blogspot.com, twitter.com, WordPress Dashboard, and redapes.org.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?, what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything, and think often of the suffering in which.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Living is easy with eyes closed January 2010
3 comments

2

What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? May 2010

3

Saving One Animal Will Not Save The World… But Surely, For That One Animal The World Will Change Forever February 2010
5 comments

4

Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight. February 2010
1 comment

5

At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst. February 2010
4 comments

Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.

What the HELL is going on??  In the last two weeks, there have been two separate die-offs of red-winged blackbirds. More than 80,000 dead fish washed up on the banks of the Arkansas river.

No one knows the cause for certain.  In reality, it isn’t a new occurrence.  These sorts of things happen pretty often. This article postulates that technology is to blame for the panic.  It isn’t necessarily that more die-offs are happening, we just have more knowledge of them.   There are lots of factors that can contribute to an isolated incident.  Things like weather, disease, pesticides and poisoning are all culprits. If they are truly natural occurrences, then that isn’t very alarming.  If they are caused by human activity…that could be a larger problem.

Mass die-0ffs get a lot of attention because they are a large-scale event.  They most commonly occur in animals  that travel in large groups.  The real problem is the extinction of an entire species that goes unnoticed because it isn’t such a dramatic event.  It isn’t as glamorous or exciting, so people don’t talk about it as much.  Several other species are seeing their numbers decline:  The four common species of bumblebees in the United States have declined by an estimated 96% in recent decades.  Honeybees have disappeared at an alarming rate for years.  Over a million bats have died in the last five years due to White-Nose Syndrome (a fungal infection of the skin).  Three subspecies of tigers have gone extinct in the last sixty years and the five remaining subspecies are all critically endangered.

Even if humans were not involved in these incidents, I don’t think we can argue that we are causing plenty of other problems.  We are responsible for habitat destruction, pollution, consuming products that are not eco-conscious, participating in the illegal pet trade….the list goes on.  If anything is going to change, we have to become informed and make different choices.  I realize that not everyone will be interested in the same causes, but pick a cause and learn about it.  Care about something.

And who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever

I recently heard a story about a dog who was poisoned, and no one noticed until it was too late.  This is a terrible tragedy.  It is possible that nothing could have been done for this particular dog, but there are so many cases where the animal can be saved.

The best thing you can do is prevent ingestion.  There are many things that can be poisonous to pets, especially around the holidays.  Holly and mistletoe can cause gastrointestinal irritation.  Lilies are one of the most poisonous plants an animal can eat.  Lily toxicity in cats can lead to kidney failure within 48 hours.

Tinsel, styrofoam, and ornaments are also potentially dangerous.  Although these items are not toxic, they can break apart and cause cuts and become stuck in the digestive tract.

There are many food items that can be found during the holidays that are toxic.  Chocolate-especially the dark variety, contains theobromide.  Animals metabolize it much more slowly than we do.  Cats are not as likely to consume it as dogs.  The  symptoms of chocolate poisoning are: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and increased urination. If left untreated, these can progress to arrhythmia, seizures, internal bleeding, and death.  One ounce per pound is a potentially lethal dose in dogs.  Sugar-free candy containing xylitol can cause a rapid drop in blood sugar and bring on seizures.  Ingestion of large amounts of onions and garlic can cause hemolitic anemia (damage to red blood cells).  Raisins and grapes may cause renal failure.  It should go without saying that you shouldn’t give alcohol to your pet.  Small amounts may not be harmful, but three ounces can cause a 10-15 pound animal to stop breathing.  Use caution when feeding pets leftovers or table scraps.  They can be high in fat and cause diarrhea and pancreatitis (which can be potentially life-threatening).

If an accident  does occur, stay calm.  Gather any evidence of what has been ingested.  This includes wrappers, packaging, medication, and yes-anything that your pet throws up.  If you see your pet ingest something, don’t wait for symptoms to begin.  Some things don’t metabolize immediately, and you could be too late.  You can call the SPCA Animal Poison Control Center:  The telephone number is (888) 426-4435. There is a $65 consultation fee for this service.  They will want to know information about your pet-breed, size, age, etc.  Be able to describe any symptoms, and information about the ingestion.  If your pet is unconscious, having seizures, or in respiratory distress, see your veterinarian immediately.

It is a good idea to have an emergency kit for your pet.  You can get one here or here, or make your own.

 

Anyone who has accustomed himself to regard the life of any living creature as worthless is in danger of arriving also at the idea of worthless human lives

Warning:  The next sentence of this post is disturbing.

“A kitten, secured to the ground, watches and shrieks in pain as a woman thrusts her high-heeled shoe”…You get the idea.  Those words make me shudder.  The term “crush video” refers to:  any photograph, motion-picture film, video or digital recording, or electronic image that depicts (real) conduct in which 1 or more living non-human mammals, birds, reptiles, or amphibians is intentionally crushed for sexual gratification.  (Although they may also be burned, drowned, suffocated, impaled, or otherwise subjected to serious bodily injury.)

In 1999, a law was enacted that made it a felony to create, possess, or sell any video depicting animal cruelty for the purpose of financial gain. There were some exceptions  (Subsection (a) does not apply to any depiction that has serious religious, political, scientific, educational, journalistic, historical, or artistic value.) Although, I would imagine these circumstances are rare.  Perhaps an educational video depicting some sort of medical procedure, or a religious video?

On April 20, the Supreme Court ruled that a federal law banning these videos was unconstitutional.  Justice Alito was the sole dissident.  They stated that the videos were protected under the First Amendment.  The content was not limited to crush videos.  It also depicted dog fighting and other acts of cruelty.  However, on September 27, there was a new bill introduced into the Senate to specifically ban crush videos.  Their argument was that these videos are obscene, and are not protected by the First Amendment.

As of 9/29/10, The House of Representatives have passed the bill.  The Senate has added an amendment, and now it is back to the House for final approval.  To show your support, you can sign this petition.  It is even better to call or write a letter to your representatives.   Although it is likely that this bill will pass, it won’t be easy to put an end to the videos.  If someone in the United States wants to broadcast offensive content, they can seek out a foreign web host, where there are no laws against crush films…and if that is the case, not much can be done to prosecute them.  There are also no laws prohibiting viewing the videos for free.  If you find a site that posts these videos you can report it (including URL and relevant info) to info@pet-abuse.com and info@peta.org.

http://www.stopcrush.org/

Update:  The anti-crush law has been passed!!!

When I tell you that I love you, it’s not because I want you, or cause I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me.

I Love You.

Why do three words have so much hold over us?  Some people agonize over them.  When should I say it?  What if the other person says it and I don’t feel the same way?  What if I’m just in it for sex?  I think that honesty is the best policy when it comes to relationships of any kind.  If you feel something, you shouldn’t have to be ashamed, or censor yourself.  There isn’t one right time to say these words, but I do think that you should think about whether you mean them before they are verbalized.

That brings me to my first question:  Why?  Because I think almost everyone wants to be loved and love in return. (Kind of cheesy, but true.)  I think we want to feel accepted and appreciated.  On the other hand, I know that I am only in control of my own feelings.  I can’t make someone love me, so why waste time and energy on something that isn’t worth it?  It makes sense rationally, but emotionally…not so much.

As for when:  If you feel it, say it. I don’t mean ‘I’ve known this person for three days and think I’m completely in love with them.’  I’m sure that does happen, but it is definitely not the norm.  Even though love is an emotion, I think it should come from a somewhat rational place.  I’m sure a lot of people would disagree with that, but I’m not talking about lust.  I’m talking about seeing someone for exactly what they are, and loving them anyway.  I don’t think you have to know every detail, but you do have to have an idea of what you are getting yourself into.

If the other person says it, and you don’t feel the same (or vice versa), there may be some tension or hurt feelings, but would you want someone to say it if they don’t mean it?  It doesn’t say anything about your character or worth.  And the sex question…I think that only works if it is known from the beginning, and if both people agree upon it.  If one person thinks having sex will make the other fall in love, they are probably mistaken.  You should only do that if you can accept that it may never go beyond sex.

The original idea for this post was conceptualized over a conversation.  I was chatting with a friend, and when we said goodbye, I said ‘I love you.’  In the case of this particular friend, I never know if my sentiments will be returned.  I’m used to it.  I accept it, but it is still nice when I get a response.  I don’t necessarily think it means anything, but at first I was sort of hurt that I didn’t always get a response.  Maybe this person doesn’t really feel the same way…or maybe they don’t feel the need to say it as much as I (which is a lot.)  I know not everyone expresses themselves like I do, and not everyone is as emotional.  I’m open about my feelings for better or worse.

Usually, the words come about in an organic way.  If they don’t feel right, don’t say them.  It shouldn’t be a stressful situation.  Usually, I know almost immediately when I meet a person whether I will care deeply for them.  I choose people carefully, but I am quick to love.

*I was having a hard time deciding in which category to place this post, and then it hit me.  “Say the word and you’ll be free.” Of course, the word is “love”.  I don’t know if the Beatles were right…maybe love isn’t all you need, but it certainly helps.

Here is the song, sung by some of my favorite people.