Music survives everything, and like God, it is always present.

On this day in 1945, Eric Patrick Clapton was born in Surrey.  He has been one of the artists on my bucket-list for a very long time.  I had the pleasure of seeing him perform live a few weeks ago. The concert was pretty incredible in musical terms.  He played a very technically solid set, and his band was amazing.  His musicianship is on par with the very best.  The man is seriously gifted.  I did notice that he seemed somewhat uncomfortable on stage, barely speaking between songs.  This is a discussion that I have had many times with friends who are musical/interested in music.  There are some people who are great musicians, but not necessarily great performers.  I do know that in the past, he used drugs and alcohol as a crutch when performing.  He seems like a quiet person by nature-perhaps even anti-social.  He relates to the world through writing and playing music.

I’ve been a fan of his music for a long time, but after reading his auto-biography a couple of years ago, I began to feel as if we were kindred spirits.  We are both somewhat shy, and can have difficulty with social interaction at times.  I think it stems from wanting too much to please everyone.  I can’t be sure, but I think there must be some element of self-sabotage involved.  This probably isn’t the case in his life anymore, but I know that he struggled for a long time with accepting life for what it really is.  I’m certainly not a psychologist, but I can speak to my life-when a child grows up in difficult circumstances, the caregivers of said child often try to ease suffering by giving in to demands.  When the child becomes an adult, they may have unrealistic expectations of how other people should treat them.  This can lead to difficulties in personal relationships because there may be a lack in social/and or life skills, and one person may end up carrying more weight.

This was an issue in Eric’s relationship with Pattie Boyd.  I admit, there is some part of me that is jealous of this woman.  What is so special about her?  There must be something that led her to be involved with two of the most influential men in the history of rock music.  When I was younger, I romanticized these relationships.  Now I can see it for what it was-insecurity.  She let these men treat her like crap.  Maybe it was for the fame, or maybe it was because she was young and naïve and thought that she didn’t deserve better.  Realistically, it was probably a little of both.  These relationships were far from perfect.  They both involved poor communication, and plenty of infidelity.  When I look at these relationships now, I realize that I would never want to be a part of something like that.  Perhaps these were just relationships of the young, not meant to last forever.  All of the parties involved moved on to other people.  Eric clearly had unrealistic expectations of what a relationship with Pattie would be:

dear layla,

for nothing more than the pleasures past i would sacrifice my family, my god, and my own existence, and still you will not move.  i am at the end of my mind, i cannot go back and there is nothing in tomorrow (save you) that can attract me beyond today.  i have listened to the wind, i have watched the dark brooding clouds, i have felt the earth beneath me for a sign, a gesture, but there is only silence.  why do you hesitate, am i a poor lover, am i ugly, am i too weak, too strong, do you know why?  if you want me, take me, i am yours…if you don’t want me, please break the spell that binds me.  to cage a wild animal is a sin, to tame his is divine.  my love is yours.

On first glance, this may seem romantic…but I think it is actually kind of scary.  Maybe he was just being dramatic, but there are greater implications here.  He seems to be quite lovesick, but there is so much insecurity in his words.  When she did not leave George for him, he began using heroin.  Of course, he now admits it really had nothing to do with her, but he blamed her at the time.  It is quite interesting to read both sides of the story.  Pattie’s book is more about her personal life with these men.  She discusses relationships in great detail.  From her perspective, the problems were greater than the depiction (and space) Eric gives them.  While he does acknowledge that his drug use and infidelity were responsible for the failure of their relationship, and that it probably revolved more around drinking and drama than actual feelings, he doesn’t really discuss how bad it was.  This could be a gender difference, but it may also be because he was such an addict that he didn’t even notice what was really going on.  His book is really about who he is as a musician, and what influenced his life.  His personal relationships are a part of that, but not the main focus.

My intent is not to come off as critical.  I respect this man very much, and I feel a kinship with the person he has become.  He went back to treatment for the second time in 1987, and this time he knew he had a problem.  His life was a mess, and he was ready to take responsibility.

…I stumbled through a month of treatment…hoping that something would change in me without me having to do much about it.  Then one day, a panic hit me, and I realized in fact nothing had changed in me…I was absolutely terrified, in complete despair.  At this moment, almost of their own accord, my legs gave way and I fell to my knees.  In the privacy of my room I begged for help…Within a few days I realized that something had happened for me…From that day until this, I have never failed to pray in the morning, on my knees, asking for help, and at night, to express gratitude for my life and, most of all, for my sobriety…Before my recovery began, I found my God in music and the arts.  In some way, in some form, my God was always there, but now I have learned to talk to him.

He has been sober ever since, and now has a treatment center in Antigua to help other people.  I really do believe that when you get your own life in order, and begin to help others, good things will follow. 

*Edit:  As I was writing this post, I went back to his auto-biography for reference.  In the epilogue, he mentions that he has gone somewhat deaf from all of his years performing.  This could explain why he doesn’t interact much with the audience.  He does say that he likes to keep busy, but he doesn’t enjoy touring as much anymore because he would rather be with his family, and because he has some physical ailments that come with age.

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